Workshop on the science of sex, or How does a woman want?

“Not to sleep with a man on a first date is a rule that was invented by women whom nobody wants, just to spoil the mood for us – women who want everything!” Said Samantha Jones, the heroine of the series “Sex and the City”.   

Emily Nagoski, an expert in sex education with twenty years of experience, agrees with Samantha: there should be no rules in sex, because every woman has her own unique sexuality and her sexual potential.

Emily wrote a book “How a Woman Wants”, in which she talks about how female sexuality actually works, how to get multiple orgasms and stop being shy about her body. With her book, Emily once again proves a simple truth: “There are no cold women. It sometimes makes no sense to melt. ”

They lied to us

All this time they lied to us: programs and books about sex. Not on purpose, but nonetheless. For a long time in the scientific community of the Western world, female sexuality was seen as a lite version of male sexuality: almost the same, but slightly worse. For example, it was believed that since a man reaches an orgasm during sex, a woman should achieve it during intercourse. Otherwise, something is not right with the woman. 

In reality , only 30% of women stably achieve orgasm during intercourse. The remaining 70% succeeds during sexual intercourse only sometimes, or even never – but they are all completely normal and healthy.  

Therefore, I want to say to all women: “ You are completely normal! “No, you are not frigid and not cold. Each woman has her own unique sexuality.

In this book, I have collected answers to a wide variety of questions. I observed radical changes in those who received answers based on the latest scientific data and on the examples of women who figured out the sexual side of their lives and changed their relationships with their own bodies. These women became the heroines of my book. By telling their stories, I really hope to give you enough strength to go your own way and realize your sexual potential.

Meet your clit

Once, one of my students came up to me and said that the other day I was talking with my mom on Skype and informed her about a new subject – “Female Sexuality”, which I teach. She shared with her mother that at the lecture I showed students different charts and graphs and, in particular, photographs of the female vulva. And her mother said something stunning: ” But I don’t know where the clitoris is .” At that time she was 54 years old. After that story with a student and her mother, I want to order a pack of T-shirts with a vulva pattern and an arrow pointing to the clitoris: “That’s where he is.” 

In fact, women know almost nothing about their clitoris and its features. It is generally accepted that the clitoris is a tiny bump at the upper edge of the vulva. But from the point of view of biology, the clitoris is a long and mostly hidden inside the body anatomical organ with a head extending to the surface in the upper part of the vulva.  

Like the penis, the clitoris consists of three parts: a pair of legs (crura), extending deep into the vulva and having a similar origin to the cavernous bodies; bulbs of the vestibule (bulbus vestibule), homologous to the spongy body and bulb of the penis. Yes, the clitoris extends all the way to the vaginal opening.

In the book I will tell you how to use it, so to speak.

Male and female sexuality

They inspire women: in terms of their bodies, they should believe in cultural messages or scientists more than their own intuition, which suggests what is good for them and what is not.

Scientists insisted: men and women are very similar. It was assumed that since men experience spontaneous excitement, then women should be excited quite spontaneously. It turned out, however, that this was true, but not always. A perfectly healthy and normal woman may never experience spontaneous arousal: her sexual desire arises only in situations with a clear erotic color.

Or, for example, it was believed that since in men the reaction of the genitals reflects the emotional state (that is, if the penis is aroused, then the man really feels arousal), then female genitalia should reflect the emotional mood of a woman. And again , some women have it, while others have a completely different story. 

A woman can be completely healthy and normal, but experience non-concordance when the reaction of the genitals (moisturizing or dryness) does not correspond to the emotional state (feeling of excitement or its absence).

So remember: women and men are different from each other. And the only thing worth believing is your own body and intuition.


Spectatoring is a concern about how you look during sex. Merrit has reached great heights in this “art”. Instead of focusing on the pleasurable sensations of the body, she wondered anxiously how her breasts were bouncing, or how she had not experienced an orgasm the last time. Having sex, she worried about sex, instead of having fun from it. 

We have a gas pedal and a brake pedal in our head that control reactions to sexual stimuli, including genital stimulation, visual images, and emotional context. The sensitivity of each of these pedals varies in humans. Anxiety blocked Merrit’s brake. And when the brake is locked, an orgasm does not occur. Therefore, Merritt could easily count all the orgasms she had experienced with Carol in two decades lived together.

To get more quality orgasms, you need to relax. In most cases, you can find a simple pragmatic solution for this. Chronic stress? Complete the cycle, allowing yourself to cry from the heart, go for a quick walk, utter a furious primeval cry, or refer to any other means of physical discharge. Give yourself twenty minutes or even an entire hour to release all the stress that has accumulated during the day with the help of rituals or practices that help you. Bath, walk, exercise, cooking, meditation, yoga, a glass of wine – whatever, if only it worked. Sometimes it is really very simple.  

The secret ingredient is you 

I wrote this book to share my new knowledge that helped me myself and helped other women before my eyes. I wrote it for my sister and my mother, for my sister’s adopted teenage daughters, for my niece, for my students. I wrote this book to give us all permission to be different.

I wrote it because I’m tired of living in a world where a woman constantly hears lies about her body. I’m tired of living in a world where, from birth, a woman is told that she should treat her body as an enemy.

So. I will repeat again, for complete clarity. Yes, you are normal. Moreover, you are not just normal. You are artistic. Peerless. Gorgeous. Hot. And so on to the very last letters of the alphabet (erotic and bright). Your body is beautiful and your desires are perfect – as they are. The secret ingredient is you. So says science. And now you have evidence.

event_note October 24, 2019

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