Sexual positions in films are sometimes puzzling. Do average couples really prefer to fold into intricate figures on the first date? The magic of cinema manifests itself in entertainment. The creators of the paintings fill an unremarkable room with a handful of decorations and shoot spectacular scenes against the background of props. On the screen, the picture looks bright and beautiful, but attempts to reproduce what he saw in ordinary life are a priori doomed to failure. Most often, the viewer is interested in trying out movie poses for sex. As a result, hundreds of couples are hospitalized every year with genital injuries. By the way, I only take romantic films. Fans of hardcore pornography were not included in the statistics, especially videos for adults are much closer to the real state of affairs. I propose to analyze the 7 most uncomfortable sex positions that are most often found in the movies. We are told that they are perfect for expressing passion. So let’s expose the same vile Hollywood deceivers.
1. Standing with your back to the wall
What films can you see? The Notebook, Deadpool , Wartime Life, Atonement. What is the problem? This is probably the most widely used sex position. The guy presses the girl against the wall, lifts her ass, throws his partner’s legs around his waist and furiously invades the hot bosom. It looks pretty damn cool on screen, but is the position really that sweet in reality? To enjoy sex in a semi-suspended state, lovers must meet a number of requirements. First, a woman should weigh like a feather. Secondly, a man must regularly visit the gym and have remarkable stamina. Judge for yourself what is pleasant for a lady in constant banging on a hard surface, scraping putty and wallpaper from the wall and trying to stay on a partner. Will the aching pain all over his body bring joy to a man?
What films can you see? “Good luck, Chuck!”, “Adrenaline: High Voltage”, “Between Things.” What is the problem? For the sake of justice, I will make a small remark – very extreme sex positions in good quality films are extremely rare. Basically, supernatural acrobatic sketches dilute the passage paintings. However, due to the abundance of those, it is impossible not to recall the “Wheelbarrow”. A girl or a passive homosexual partner (this is how lucky) becomes in the bar on straight arms, slightly spreading her feet. The guy joins in behind, and then lifts the legs of his mistress up. As the name implies, the design mimics garden tools. In general, the couple looks pretty awkward. More or less strong friction will upset the precarious balance. The risk of spraining your wrists or crushing your nose is extremely high.
3. In the front seat of the car
What films can you see? “Birdie”, “The Road of Change”, “Collision”, “Gone in 60 Seconds”. What is the problem? Sex in the backseat of a car is the same age as the car itself. If your grandparents had personal transport, then I give a guarantee – they used it as a springboard for amorous pleasures. Front seat sex positions are a relatively new practice. Even in the passenger seat, partners will face inconveniences, not to mention the driver’s seat. Space is sorely lacking for elementary maneuvers. The partner should be of miniature stature so as not to bang her head on the roof. In Gone in 60 Seconds, young Angelina Jolie is incredibly sensual in Nicolas Cage in the front seat of a hijacked Chevelle . From the stage goosebumps run on the skin, but how many bruises did the actors have to master the game?
4. Perfect 69
What films can you see? The Americans, The Tribe, Justified Violence. What is the problem? We all love oral sex (I don’t know how to do it, but to receive it for sure). Pose 69 is undeniably a classic variation for mutual stimulation. However, it is difficult to call it 100% comfortable. In the standard version, one partner lies on his back, and the other saddles his face and bends over his genitals. Surely, you yourself have seen and performed this simple technique. The side variation is also popular. In films, almost all lovers are of the same height, they do not need to stretch or wring their necks, or put pillows under their heads. Girls do not crawl like frogs over a man’s face. They have no difficulty in stimulating their partner with their hand if necessary. Why am I trifling, ladies never massage testicles! We are shown the details, otherwise the film would not have made it to the theaters. All we see are faces hiding between the knees that are spread apart.
5. Sex in the water
What films can you see? Romeo + Juliet, Showgirls , Alpha Dog, Wild. What is the problem? Every adequate person knows that the very idea of making love in water is much sexier than putting the idea into practice. I have not met a single comrade who would have enjoyed intercourse in a lake, river or pool. Let’s say everything is very clear with natural reservoirs. Microorganisms, contamination and other delights of a non-sterile environment. It’s amazing why the pool did not please the lovers? The answer is simple – bleach. Perhaps, in Hollywood, water is disinfected with ozone, but on the territory of the post-Soviet space, more poisonous reagents are used in the old fashioned way. If you decide to indulge in sin in domestic pools, then the appearance of irritation and thrush can not wait long. Quite often, sex positions in films are transferred to the aquatic environment. First, the couple swims carelessly, the characters chat, slowly approach each other, and then the swimwear floats away. Beautiful? Yes! Romantic? Yes! Practical? No!
6. Insertion of the penis with the head down
What films can you see? Countless films What’s the problem? For some unknown reason, the filmmakers maintain the stereotype that a man’s penis has the consistency of gelatin during an erection and can be bent at arbitrary angles. A banal sense of self-preservation will prevent the lover from turning the penis 180 degrees. Highly popular pseudo- erotic paintings such as “Seduction” or “Shame” are full of unrealistic scenes. In them, the actors take positions that prevent a painless docking. Almost every sex position involves traumatic deformation of the genitals. It is more convenient for the operator to shoot, but I do not envy the audience who dares to repeat the cinematic tricks.
7. Two crabs
What films can you see? “Last Tango in Paris”, “Caligula” What’s the problem? Intimacy poses in films sometimes do not fit in the head. Take the notorious “Two Crabs” variation. I declare it the crown of our collection. To begin with, the arms are twisted at the joints at an abnormal angle, which makes the position hazardous to health. Continuing the analysis, the problem of the spike hitting the groove comes to the fore. How long should the penis be in order for the head to penetrate into the vagina (I will keep silent about the introduction to the stop, which in principle is impossible)? If the directors really believe that “Two Crabs” is ideal for sensual pleasures, then I do not envy their wives. It remains to feel sorry for the unfortunate muses of geniuses from the cinema – every night they have, oh, how not sweet it is.