Some believe that in nature there are no men who would not change. Especially zealously this point of view is defended by the traitors themselves. And almost every one of them is sure that he is doing everything right, can you imagine? Each has its own logical justification. It’s outrageous. But sometimes it’s useful to get acquainted with these excuses of alien husbands, including to make sure that you yourself do not make exactly the same mistakes. Stories from the practice of Julia Kroha, family psychologist at the Berkana Psychotherapy Center, and Ekaterina Narkevich, MD, PhD, psychiatrist, psychotherapist.
Nikolay, 32 years old, programmer, married 5 years
“Yes, I regularly cheat on my wife. And yes, I consider myself an exemplary family man. Family for me – wife and daughter – is the most important thing in life. Our plans, joint time is always my priority. I really respect my wife, take care of her, I don’t have a soul in my daughter.
But I have, let’s say, an inquiring mind. I always want something more. As in work, I am always looking for some kind of my own projects and side jobs, in addition to my main activity, so in life. I am a dreamer, if you like, and a romantic, yes.
Most of all I like the game itself. When you take risks, flirting with colleagues: after all, they know that I am married – how will they react? Are they accountable for liberties, translated as a joke, or do I see a return light in my eyes? I love this moment. In general, the entire period BEFORE – before the betrayal itself in the form of sex occurs. But sex is important to me. First of all, because my beloved, my wife is completely non-temperamental, unfortunately. We talked about this (not about cheating, but about what we would like in sex), I even suggested going to a family psychologist, but she was not enthusiastic about this idea.
I still do not have a companion equal in mind in my wife. I want to discuss all my ideas with her, to build the desired future together, I want her to be an equal and interesting interlocutor in this. But she always only says that she will support me, that she does not understand anything and that everything will be the way I decide. Yes, I’m powerful enough with her from the start. And if she had not succumbed to my authority, we would not have been married. Such a paradox: her support, her full acceptance of me, her respect are very important to me. And I understand that women who attract me in sex or whom I only dream of, staying in the friend zone and contented with just talking with them, they would not recognize my authority as much as she admits. In the end, I have everything I need, but not in one place. She is? Of course, it will not change, this is unthinkable. And I will never leave her either! ”
Andrey, 33 years old, food processing technologist, 9 years old married
“I changed and will change, I’m not going to get divorced. I love and respect my wife as the mother of my children. It all started after the birth of the second child four years ago. Two young children, his wife did not leave the first decree, all went into motherhood. There were problems in sex before, but only worsened over time. I have a strong type of sexual constitution, I want sex a lot and often, and Tanya, that’s the name of her wife, is not at all up to sex. She gets tired with children and household chores, suggested that she give her older daughter to kindergarten, grandparents do not help us, live in other cities, I do not earn money alone as a nanny or housewife.
I get acquainted on a dating site, I immediately say that I am married and can offer nothing but sex and rare meetings. Mostly married women or newly divorced women who are not yet ready for a serious relationship agree, but there is a need for sex. I try to avoid a long relationship, so as not to become attached emotionally. A couple of months, and enough. Once fell in love just like a boy in a married young girl. He was jealous of her husband, somehow managed to cope with himself.
Sometimes I meet with two or three women at the same time. I try not to think about conscience and guilt at all, as if I have two parallel lives: one is home and family, the second is work and lovers. I justify myself by providing a family, a good father, I devote a lot of time to children, and my mistresses – a few hours a week. If I knew that my wife was cheating on me, I would probably get divorced. I know that I have double standards, but I have to be confident in my woman. “
Why do husbands cheat
Mikhail, 47 years old, his business in the construction industry, was married for 26 years
“I recently got divorced, left the family for another woman. They got married on the fly, immediately after the army. There was never much intimacy between my wife and me, but you don’t understand this when you are young. I have it so bright, it starts up with a half-turn, just that, immediately the scandal – in general, a classic hysterical.
A few years ago, he hired the chief accountant, a woman in her forties, who was also married at that time. While there was a repair in her office in the office, I put it in my own. And then it covered me – fell in love like a boy. She is wonderful, smart, subtle, with a sense of humor, and you would see how it works. Calmly, with pleasure, with joy. I remember how the thought came to my mind: I wonder if it works like that, then what kind of sex is she? The exact opposite of my wife is soft, but somehow very real, or something. She has about the same story: an early marriage, she lived with her husband from the word “I need”, and not from the word “I want”. Our children are already adults, the youngest is 16 years old, we have provided them with apartments, I think now is the time to live for ourselves.
When my wife found out, threw thunder and lightning, came to me to work, swearing, informed the husband of my chosen one. All in all, Santa Barbara lived a boring life. This went on for two weeks. And at some point I realized that everything was tired. He rented an apartment, packed his things and left. My woman also decided to get a divorce. Now we are expecting a child, I’m scared, of course, a little, that it’s already age, all things, but you know, this is completely different. I don’t remember the pregnancy of my wife, and then we go to the doctor together, to the preparatory courses, to the psychologist, we choose things for the child, they themselves glued the wallpaper in the nursery. Such a quiet, burgher happiness. And you know, maybe this is wrong, but I do not regret anything. ”
Sergey, 35 years old, works in technical support in the state structure, 10 years married
“Relations in the family have recently been co-dependent: they are used to pressing each other emotionally, being offended, annoyed, and finding fault with each other. From this communication became tense, depressing. More and more I wanted fresh air, or at least weakened the noose. At first, he tried to avoid his wife by the little things. Then I realized that with sex it is not so simple. Not every mood of the wife has proximity. She is not always ready, tuned, agrees and, accordingly, desirable. Not so simple, but even very complicated. I did not immediately realize that I was tired, burned out, cooled down.
Changed his wife unexpectedly easy for himself. After a corporate party with a colleague, Vera started to hang out. Alcohol helped to find a soulmate and see the sexual attractiveness of a married colleague. Sex turned out to be easy and beautiful. That’s what the last years lacked (we must pay tribute that I never thought of treason). It happened. The charges are dismissed.
Pangs of conscience arose a year later: he scolded himself that he had not started a new relationship before. I realized that without them it died out, withered, froze. And now, after the betrayal, I became more attentive to the children. The wife with her grumpiness ceased to annoy. She even felt sorry: a young woman, forever tormented by her integrity, not interesting to anyone, almost insensitive and lonely. Lonely, because I don’t want to return home every day.
If Vera does not dare to leave her husband, I will live alone. Meet with children, wash their shirts and do not flinch from constant petty reproaches. More than that, absolutely not. Divorce is a matter of time. What only happens is that it cannot happen.
Conclusions: treason turned up by the arm? Of course, but the soil was prepared. Irritation of the wife, of course, has a foundation. But each time, exchanging emotions for petty nitpicking, it is worth considering how you look. “A woman wearing gloves and a brush is sometimes more attractive than a hissing bore living on a brain-bearing edifying wave.”