One of my friends claims that she loves herself so much that she doesn’t even let her husband in to her. And the pleasure gets from self-satisfaction. Apparently, he does not know how to love her as well as she herself. And I personally think that if a person loves himself very much, then he is able to love himself as he please. And by anyone. At least a stool, at least two men at the same time. At least some little animal.

But this is an extreme, we won’t get to obvious perversions like bestiality, but we’ll chat about sex. I hope not to be like Anfisa Chekhova.

Take the extremely primitive option – you and the man. A man in this case is a necessary minimum for sex. And it’s a great success if it is not at least in the literal sense of the word, because men with an insufficient penis definitely let the tale about “Size is not the main thing”. Otherwise, why is anyone still interested in the size of our breasts? After all, size is not the main thing!    

Just today, in the program “Intuition” appeared two girls with breast sizes No. 5 and No. 6. It was necessary to guess who had what size. And not a single man, mind you, whose parameters should be evaluated in appearance. Comedian Irka from the program “Slaughter League” cynically defined this inequality: “You men can immediately see what kind of breasts we have, and we women will always have a surprise!”  

For men, deprived in this regard, I came up with the term: “malopis”. So – it’s too early to put an end to the scripts; they can still be adapted for anal sex. We put the cross on those unfortunate men who, not possessing at least some respectable sizes, are trying to pose as sex giants, panting, sweating and banging their legs, and at the same time you feel as if the hamster is trying to love you – a lot of fuss and grunts, the result is zero. At the same time, the man feels well done and often does not hesitate to ask if you were well.   

Stupid, it would be nice – the whole street would hear! So we will not devote time to such creatures; fortunately, they are not very numerous. Let’s talk about men who are in contact with reality and soberly assess their capabilities.    

Those, although rare, are found. Now we’ll decide what we want to do with this man in life — marry him, pump money, have fun, love him torturing him madly and irresponsibly or cruelly. Because on how exactly you decide to use this man, your first sex with him also depends. 

Agree, it’s stupid to expect to marry a man whom you whisper at the first horizontal date: “And next time, let’s invite your friend to bed with us?” Just because you had so much fun with your previous lover.

And how to download money from a handsome man with a big jeep and wallet, but of dubious potency (due to abuse of alcohol and life in general), if during the first sex you blurted out: “Nothing, love, it happens to everyone, the next time you succeed”!

There are two mistakes at once: he won’t succeed the next time, he won’t change his lifestyle and eating style. This you will have to adapt to his bizarre (due to problems of an intimate nature) rituals in bed and get an orgasm on your own. Preferably at home. Indeed, the peasant and his orgasm have any problems, what’s up for him to load with yours too?

And the second: since they called him beloved – everything, from now on and forever, the sex you have with him will be free, because you love him, what kind of money is it? It will take years to rattle him that you have sex with him, of course, for love, but eating and dressing is also a hunt. It is also stupid to mutter to a cheerful relaxed boy: “What shall we name the children?” He will run away immediately. Well, with whom will you try group sex? And he probably has nice friends.     

When you have decided who you have for what and why, I take the liberty of advising you to follow a few simple rules in order to achieve your desired goal and not spend many years reorienting your chosen one. So…

The man planned as the future husband, you have the second . This bike is as old as the world and suits everyone. In your luggage you need to have a rehearsed story about the first one, the image of which, most likely, will be a combined hodgepodge of the real twenty previous lucky ones. “The Story of My First Man” should be filled with sadness and eroticism, leaving the listener with the impression that you are a decent and almost immaculate girl. 

A man planned as a sponsor must be aware that you are an orphan, always hungry, you have only one socks and you haven’t gone beyond the orphanage. To get to his meeting you have no money for the bus, come – shoes. It is not necessary to inform him that he is your thirty-third. But somewhere , you had to learn these tricks in bed? So the tenth. For the first time, it is also not necessary to give all the best to the full program – how will you stimulate his interest in a year? Here you have to act like Scheherazade – half a story every night.     

A man for sex – this should immediately tell what is happening. And then nonsense will begin, such as rivalry with your husband (if you have one) or attempts to solve at least part of his financial problems at your expense . You, too, should not be brought in the direction of expectation of flowers or unwanted pregnancy. Called a cargo, so to speak, enjoy. This is the most free and interesting relationship. Subject to mandatory use of condoms.  

If you feel the need to cruelly torture a man or to be cruelly tormented by him – do not waste time in vain, it is better to go in for horse riding. The hour of riding feels comparable to an hour of hard sex with two men. And the moral satisfaction from taming such a large and strong animal (I mean the horse, of course) is comparable to a good scandal. Now I understand why the little lady went to Homa Brut. All together for a couple of days it settles a wandering smile on your face and the world – into your soul.    

In general, I believe that there are a lot of ways to love yourself , and sex is one of the most wonderful, provided that you will treat it that way – as a great opportunity to tell your body how much you value and pamper it.